 "Photo: Chris Ware/MCT Photo")
Christmas music hurts our souls. For nearly two full months, November to early January, the repetitive garbage that is "Santa Baby" and "Jingle Bell Rock" assaults our collective eardrums.
From "We wish you a Merry Christmas," a song that is all but assured to get you spit on if you are sitting in the front row at a children's Christmas pageant, to "Frosty the Snowman," the entire genre makes us at the Hornet want to hang ourselves with a strand of Christmas lights.
There are so many tunes we hate; it's literally impossible to catalogue them all in the space we are given. Carolers: Be warned. Most of us at the Hornet want to punch you in the throat.
Next time you hear the majestic voice of Bing Crosby as he belts out "White Christmas," envision his children sobbing and pleading for mercy as he beats them.
With all due respect, Nat King Cole had a beautiful voice. However, he still sang the same tired Christmas songs we at the Hornet have all had enough of. We have no problem with Cole, just some of the songs he sang.
To compound our holiday jubilation, advertisers take full advantage of licensing laws this time of year.
Most Christmas songs are public domain, so advertisers have to pay no royalty fee before use. Not only do we have to endure "Santa Baby" whenever we go to the mall or out to eat during the holiday season, we have to come home to reworked versions of "Deck the Halls" on our televisions, hawking everything from office supplies to pretentious chocolates.
Of course no discussion of worthless Christmas music would be sufficient without mentioning "Let it snow."
And who exactly gives a damn about "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer"? No one. Even kids know that Rudolph is a waste of time.
Screw Rudolph. The Hornet hopes a new song gets written where Sarah Palin kills him.
But all Christmas songs bow down before the undisputed champion of holiday garbage - the horrific waste of words that is "Feliz Navidad," a song that has the lyrical creativity and imagination of "Happy Birthday." Seriously, it is maybe 20 total words of repetitive nonsense. The Hornet is convinced that "Feliz Navidad" is the only song played in Hell. It's in a continuous loop, for eons and eons.
In the midst of our visceral hatred for cheery Christmas music, the Hornet would like to take a brief moment to acknowledge one decent Christmas song: RUN-DMC's "Christmas in Hollis." That's about it.
Stay strong. We don't have to put up with it much longer. Pretty soon the holiday season will be over and we can put this trash music away for another 10 months.
The opinion staff can be reached at opinion@statehornet.com
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